Working Title: A fallout 3 fanficion
by XxX0pt1mu5pr1m3XxX
Summary: This story is about Squee. Who is a valt 101 citizen that escapes with the Lone wanderer. He'll adventure across the wasteland and get in lots of wacky adventures. This story is less serious than some of my otha stories. Be sure 2 leave good reviews if you like.
1. Chapter 1: Meet Da Protaginist

**Chapter 1: Meet da protaginist**

It was a normal day in da undaground hallways of vault 101. Squee, who is The mane character of this story stirred from his sleep to the sound of the sound of the overseers nails-on-a-chalkbbord annoying voice. "Good morning citizens of valt 101. Id like u all 2 no that 2day iz mi daughter amata;s birthday. So in celebration of this happy event every1 in da valt is gonna git a free cupcake!"

"Yippie" thought squee sarcasticly cuz he;s emo and stuff. But that wouldn't stop him from getting a cupcake later. Cuz evry1 loves cupcakes.

Squee got out of his bed and put on his custom valt 101 jumpsoot. Because squee was not ur average valt 101 citizen. No. Squee was….A Ferret!111

You read that right, you dsylecic, retarted man-child. A ferret! You know, the fuzzy little things you can get at petco for like $30. And you will too, because its cheeper than getting a dog. Squee was once upon a time just an ordinary ferret and the pet of old ms. Higgins. But 1 day he snuck in2 the reactor room during a radiation leek, and he mutated in2 a fully sentient ferrit!

The overseer was so amazed by this development that he immediately gave Squee a job in da valt. Changing bedsheets. It left something 2 be desired, and Squee made sure to whine and bitch aboot it as often aqs he culd. Of course, its hard 2 be taken seriously when you look lik sumthin out of a Didney cartoon.

Sqwee walked out in2 da halls of da valt while evry1 else heded of 2 brekfast. He was supposed 2 have da bedshhets changed b4 evry1 got bak. But he almost nevaer did.

He walked up 2 da room of dr. Liam Neeson from the game. When suddenly…Dr. 'Liam nesson frum da game walked out!11

"Hello, squee" he sed

"Oh, it's you" sed squee in an annoyed tone of voice "Hi….."

"You seem bitter, squee" sed dr. Liam neson "Are you allrite?"

"Oh yeah!" sed squee sarcistlicly wit a big smile. "Im just peachy!"

"Is this about me asking to take you apart and put you bak together agin?" asked Dr. liam nessin stoopidly "I only wanted wat was best 4 da scientific community ."

"Yeah?" sed Squee "And I didn't like the prospect of mi adorable little chest being ripped open by your big dumd sausage fingers."

Dr. liam nisson frowned "Look Squee," he sed in a very calming voice becuz he was liam neeson 'I no ders a bit of bad blood between us."

Squee made a hand puppet and mocked liam neeson.

"I think we need to repair our relationship" sed liam neeson "How would you like 2 play poker with me and the gang?"

Squee looked up in surprise "Your kidding?! You want me to play poker with the kool kids klub? Will there be alcholhal? Because last time I got hammered I ran up the skirt of officer palmer and we both had to go to medical to make sure I didn't have rabies."

Liam neeson laffed "Yeah Squee . You'll get 2 play with the KKK. And there will be alcholhal."

"Kick-ass!" yelled squee in voice so high pitched he shattered one the florescent lites "This partys gonna be off da chain with ol' Squee at da helm!"

Liasm neson grimaced. "I'm looking forward 2 it" he sed nervisly.

"Thank u soooo much, mr nisson" sed Squee as he entered da room 2 change the bedsheets "you wont regret it!"

"I hope not" sed liam nisson

Squee completed his job happily for Mr. liam Neeson. For the 1st time in his lyfe, squee found hislfef not wanting to call Liam nisson's stupid kid a 'faggot' for wetting the bed at the age of 21.

And when he went to change Butches's bedsheets and saw that he had left a freshly squeezed turd on the bed like he always did. Squee only dropped 12 F-bombs, as opposed to the usual 79.

He even finished his job on time, well almost on time. 15 minites late. It was better than usual.

Today was a good day for Squee, He even managed to score himself 2 complimentary cupcakes by claiming that 1 of them was 4 Dr. liam nisson. And he knew liam wouldn't squeal on him, cuz he was trying to make amends, and besides he was a goody-2-shoes.

And so that evening Squee went down 2 the maintines level of valt 101 to play poka with the KKK. He had a spark in his step and 2 cupkakes in his belly. He stepped in2 da room 2 play polkor, but dat dozent happin until da nex chapter…..


	2. Chapter 2: Da pokor game

**Chapter 2: da pokor game**

Squee walked in2 da pokor room where the otha players were. There was Dr. Liam nisson, Dr. liam nison's Blak frend that dies in the game. And also bob, the mechanic. A jukebox in da background was playin 'workin man' by Rush. (/watch?v=iIGKlicb8n0) Witch is a song that fits with the fallout series 60's tome and feel extremily well if you squint and try not to think about it 2 haerd.

Anywai Squee ran up to the table only 2 realize that even standing comlpletly up he didn't reech da table, so Dr. liam nisson stacked a few copies of 'dean's elecronics' on top of eacudda so he wood reech.

The game went on for about an hour. Each game, the other players would make small bets on food stamps or trinkits with little value. And each game Squee would be forced to drop out, because he was more broke than meta knight in SSBM. That and he kept getting shit hands.

That was all fine with him thought, he was content to drink the alchohal that he was pretty sure he wasent paying for.

Then it happened. Bob dished out the cards, and squee was dealt a full freakin house!11 "OMFG! A FULL HOUSE!" yelled squee through his polker face. Bob and nisson's blak frend facepalmed.

"I bet themost valuablest object I have!" yelled Squee "Which is…..um" then squee realized aside from his jumpsuit and an empty nooka-cola bottle, he didn't actually own anything. "I bet…..um…My Vault 101 lv4. Axess card."

Bob rolled his eyes and sighed "look." He sed "You're not supposed to bet things that are owned by the vault. That's why liam cant gamble things from the medical inventory, and 2nd, all of us have Lv. 2 axess cards. Why would we need a level 4?"

Bob and the blak guy folded without raising. This made Squees' full house winnings 1.5 food stamps, a pear of toenale clippas and a wad of belly button lint. But Leam Nisson took pity on Squee. "Ok, squee." Sed liam nisson "I will raise you the most valuable item I have".

"OMG" sed Squee "Realy?"

"Yes" sed liam nisson "and that item is…"

Squee's mind raced with the possibilities of wat Liam nissons most valuable object culd be. His pipboi? No. Squee cudnt wear dos cuz he culd fit his entire body inside one. His firstborn son? Squee wasent entirely sure he wanted a bedwetting crybaby fagit as a prize, then agin mayby he caould have him change the bedsheets for him. Then squee culd goof off all morning.

Squee snapped back to reality to heer Lism nissom say "This lighter." He held up the lighter. It was a stainless stell flip-lighter. It was suffering from a little tarnish and sed the words B&W on the front. But it's most important feature was the shiloute of a naked girl of the back, yknow like truckers have on their mudflaps so all the femists on the hightway will get there panties in a twist.

Squee stared dumbfounded at tha lighter "It's…...perfect!" "It was the most beautiful thing Squee had ever seen. He just had 2 win it, and with his full hose he was gonna.

Liam nisson laid the lighter down on the table and reaveled his hand. It was a junk hand, he should have folded, he obviously didn't grasp the intracacies of the game like Squee did.

"Thass a pretty good hand, liam" sed Squee "But check dis shit out"! and he threw his hand on the table and shouted "FULL HOUSE! BITCHEZ!" And then he started barking like a dog.

"Good Game" sed liam nisson with a casual smile.

"I know" sed squee as he downed an entire shot glass of strong scotch. Then the world became all woozy. "You hear ….that….Dr. nisson…..i am…..the king…..of….pokor…."

And then Squee passed out.


	3. Chapter 3: Stiffed

**Chapter 3: Stiffed**

Squee was stirred frum his sleep again by the annoying voice of the bitch-ass who called himself overseer, an even more annoying dubstep song was playin in the background and a red strode lite was flashin. He had a tangy taste in his mouth, similar to the taste in your mouth after giving some dood a BJ.

Then Squee realized he wasent in he room! He was in the vault cafiterium. And he was naked! Which wasent a huge deel, cuz he was a ferret, but still it was the princible of things. He saw his clothes on the floor and got dressed in2 them. He could barly hear himself think over the shittly dubstep and strobe lites, he needed to rememba sumthin.

"Wat was I doing last nite?" thought squee "Oh yeah, I was playin polka wit the KKK and I won somthi….AUGH! where is it?!"

Squee looked around in panic but he cudnt find his presious lighter. He began thinking of all the places he culd hav left it when the overseer's annoying-ass voice broke through his mental consciousness and sed "All residents return 2 ur quearteres. Dr. Liam Nissan has escaped frum the valt." It turned out the shitty dubstep was actually a claxon, not htat you can blame Squee for getting them mixed up.

"WHAT?!" yelled Squee "that basterd! He fled the vault just so he wouldn't have 2 give me my lighter!"

Squee clenched his teeth. He wasent a particuraly tuff fighter, but wat he did have was a very particular set of skills, making beds. He would hunt Liam nisson, he would find liam nisson and then he would beat the shit outta him and take back his lighter. Oh, and mayby kill him or something too.

Squee started toward the exit of the vault, but then he realized that the outside was a tuff place. He wood need wepons if was gonna survive. So he ran back to the cafeteria a picked up the 2 sharpest kitchen nives he cud find. "Im gonna name you Stabby, and you Mcgee." Squee told his nives. He sheathed them on the bak of his utility jumpsuit and ran toward the overseers office. He'd only ever been in there once, but his lv. 4 keycard would probably work.

On the wai he saw Liam Nissons goody 2-shoes kid. He had saved butch and buth's mom from a bunch of mutant bugs. "Getting saved by that guy has got 2 be pretty emberesing." thought Squuee.

"you saved mi and mi mom." Sed butch to nissons kid "Thanks, here, take mi tunnel snankes jakit. Somthin tells me your gonna need it out there"

Nissons kid nodded in approval and runned off as security was is pursuit.

Squee entered Buthches room "Hey, Butch." Sed Squee "Herd you was givin equipment 2 ppl going out in2 da wastes. Can I have your switchblade? All I got at the moment are these." He pulled out his nives.

"Hell No!" sed buthch "Get the hell outta here you slimey rodent." And then butch tried to kick Squee. So squee stabed his feet with his knives.

"That's 4 all the turds you left on your bedsheets, you son of a bitch!" Yelled squee, he then turned to Butches mom and sed "And I mean that in the most offensive way possible." But Butches mom was having a heart attack from being attaked bi the mutant bugs and she died.

"Bummer" sed Squee and then he ran off 2 da overseers office, so he could ask da ovaseer 4 permission 2 leeve the valt so he culd kick Liam nisson's ass.

But when he got there, the overseer wasent there. Instead it was Liam Nissons stupid kid, he was wearing security armor and messing with the overseers PC.

"watcya doing?" asked squee.

Nisson's kid pointed a gun at him. "I'm leaving the vault to look for mi father. Don't try 2 stop me."

Squee put his aborible little paws up. "Hey, its all cool dude. I want to leeve the vault as well."

"Yeah?" asked nissons kid "Then come with me." And then he opened the super obvious secrit passage way out of the vault.

"Whoa." Sed Squee

"Come on" Nisson's kid grabbed Squuee by his jumpsuit and ran down the stairs. Security had just gotton back from their donut break and was in hot pursuit.

"Stop the gay kid!" they yelled. And they shot at them, and 1 of da boolets almost hit Squee's aborible little face.

Liam Nisson Jr. ran out of valt 101's massive steel door and in2 da light of da capital wasteland, but dat dusent happin until da next chapta….


	4. Chapter 4: The real world Suxs!

**Chapter 4: The reel world suxs!**

Squee and Nisson Jr. ranned out of the valt in2 the big bad wasteland, Squee looked back at the gards chasing them, who had all stopped becuz they were all wimps who didn't wanna leeve the valt. Squee coundnt help but give them da finger as they closed the door to 101 behind them.

Then squee noticed he was still being held by his jumpsuit. "hey!" he yelled "Get offa me, your gonna mess up my fur." But Nisson Jr. didn't say shit, he was just looking up at the pail light frum the sky.

"WTF are you looking a…?" Squee looked up; there were thousands and 1000's of little twinkly lights up in the sky. And 1 large one that dominated them all. It was almost as beautiful as the lighter that Squee wanted with every fiber of his being, Or at least 98% of the fibers.

"It's so beautiful" sed Nisson Jr. "I've read about it in books, but never did I imagine I would see it with my own eyes…."

"Is that heaven?" asked Squee "are all them twinkly things a buncha stiffs?"

"No." said Nissan Jr. "Those are stars, people don't become stars when they die."

"I wanna become a star when I die." Said Squee. "But then again, that implies that I'm going to die."

"There is a way to live forever" said Nissan Jr. pulling out a book labeled "Da holy Bibel"

"I know" said Squee "Zombies! Like in that one movie we had in the valt, were the guy named after a tree fights off the walking dead with a chainsaw and stuff. I don't think I wanna end up like that."

"Mayhaps not." said Nisson Jr. putting his book away. "We're gonna want to see if we kan find something resembling a shelter."

"Why? I'm not sleepy" said Squee "I got more energy than I know what to do with! Did you see the way we ditched those guys bak there, my testosterone levels are through the roof!"

"You mean adrenilene, Right?" asked Nisson jr.

"I sed wat I ment, dr. doodle." Sed Squee "Now lets go!" he sed running off "Try 2 keep up!"

An hour later, Squee stirred from his sleep. He opened his beady little eye a sliver, and he saw ….A HUGE FIREBALL COMING OVER THE MOUNTAINS!11

"omfg!" Yelled Squee, as he ran onto Nisson Jr's. face "WTF is that?"

Nisson Jr. Shoved squee of his face and sat up.

"It's the communists!" wailed Squee "The overseer's bitch-ass was right for one, the communists are gonna destreoy the world agin. I told you that leavin the valt was a bad idea, but did you listen? No! You said 'I know what I'm doing' and now we're gonna…."

"That's the sun….." Said Nisson Jr. groggily

"The sun?" puzzled Squee "Whats that?"

"It's what separates the night from the day" Said Nisson Jr. "As it says in the good book, God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness He called night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day."

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Squee "It just looks like a shiny rock to me."

"Sure." Said Nisson Jr. "It's just a shiny rock."

"Wow!" said Squee as he stared at the light creeping over the horizon.

"Don't stare at it" said Nisson Jr."It's only gonna get brighter when it comes all the way up, and our eyes aren't used to it, So it's a good thing I packed protection"

"How are condoms gonna help our our eyes?" asked Squee fasiciously.

Nisson held up a pair of UV-resistent goggles and rolled his eyes.

Squee lay sprawled out across Nisson Jr's Shoulder. "It's soooooooo hot" he whined.

"The temperature isn't exactly regulated like 101 was" replied Nisson Jr.

"Are you sure this isn't hell?" asked Squee "and why do you get the only pair of goggles? My eyes hurt too"

"First off, I brought all the supplies; you just ran outta the valt with a prayer and a dream." Sed nisson Jr.

"That's a lie!" yelled Squee "I had my knives and my jumpsuit. I most definitely did not pack any prayer or dreams with me."

Nisson rolled his eyes, but Squee didn't see it becuz Nisson was wearing his valt-tech standaerd-issue sunlight protection goggles. "Secondly, the goggles won't fit you"

"I'm still appauled you would just assume that they were automaticly yours." Sed squee

"third, I'm carrying you on my shoulder."

"I got tired of walking, Besides, I barly weight anything, and when are we gonna eat. I'm hungry."

"We need to conserve our food" said Nisson jr. "It might be a while before we have an opperitunity to get more."

Squee grumbled, but Nisson Jr. was right. If they ran out of food then Squee would have to eat his liver while he slept, and then he wouldn't have anyone to carry him. "Fine, we conserve. For now."

"shh…" shushed Nisson jr.

"Don't shush me" said Squee irately "I wasent done talking. We need to come up with specific times when were gonna eat, and keep in mind that I have a cute little stomach, as opposed to the bottomless pit you humans do, you fat…." And then Nisson stuffed Squee into his knapsack.

"Hey!" yelled Squee "Wat gives?"

"Theres someone up ahead." Explained Nissan jr.


	5. Chapter 5: Da Scavenger

**Chapter 5: The scavenger**

Squee peered out of the backpack, through the glare of the sun. It was something he would have to get used to, like when you change the sensitivity on your gamepad. Anyway, coming out of an abandoned gas station in the distince was a big blak guy, he had on a brown letha jakit, a gray bandana and a laptop computer bag which he was putting stuff in. He looked just like a hobo, or at the very least a hipster trying to look like a hobo.

Nisson Jr. pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked at the guy, but not in a creepy way.

"Wats he doing?" asked Squee "lemme see!"

"Scavenging, by the looks of it." Nisson handed Squee the binoculars "Do you think we should talk to him?"

"I dunno" sed Squee "It doesn't look like he has anything of value. I mean really, who's gonna buy that many lawn mower blades?"

"Were not gonna rob him!" sed nisson Jr. "I think we should talk to him, he could give us directions."

Nisson Jr. approached the man in a nonthreatening manner. "hello…." He sed gently, which was easy to do bcuz he was liam nissons kid. The blak guy looked up and freeked the frig out, pulling out a pair of SMGs and blasting away at the two of them.

"Oh Shit!" He screemed, but it was drowned out by the storm of bullits he fired erraticly at our protagonist and his pet human. Thankfily he wasent aiming his gun, he was just sprayin and prayin. And his prayers weren't being awnsrewed bcuz he was problably an aethiest or something.

He missed every single shot.

"Don't shot!" sed Nissan jr.

"Dayyum, boy" sed the blak guy "You scarred the piss outa me."

"That makes 2 of you" said Squee as his sensitive ferret nose picked up a familiar scent emanating from Nissin Jr's jumpsuit.

"Ah, no wai mayhun." Sed the blak guy "A talkin squirrel, wered you git that? You from one of dem valts?"

"Why do you think that?" asked Nisson Jr.

"Cuz u got 1 of dem valt jumpsoots on unda that fake-ass leatha jakit u wering." Sed the black guy as he made fun of Nisson jr's fashion sense. "Plus, you didn't pop a cap in my ass da moment you saw me, das wat a smart person wood do."

"Why is that?" asked nisson jr. dumbly.

"LMFAO. You is frum a valt." Laffed tha blak guy "Imma sayin dat cuz I got like 150 caps wortha scrap metal in here." He patted his duffel bag. "Do you know wat ppl would do for somting like dis?"

"I do!" said Squee raising his hand, like that one smartass kid that knows the answer to evry question your moronic teacher spews out of her stupid mouth (BTW I wrote this part in science class) "They'd kill you and take your stuff!"

"You damn rite" sed the blak guy "Your squirrels smarter than you, mahyun."

"I'm a ferret." Said Squee in annoyance.

"Whateva, mahyun." Sed the blak guy, and then he started hacking and coughfing so much that one of his lungs popped outta his mouth.

Nisson Jr. recoiled in horror, as the blak guy picked up his charred, blackened lung and swallowed it so he could breath agin.

"Aw, nawt agin" sed the black guy, as he pulled outta a pack of cigarettes and started to smoke 3 of them at once. "I must be dehydrated. Say, you from a valt right? You got any water?"

"Yes, I have some water." Said Nisson Jr. as he reached into his knapsack.

"Give us the scrap metal for it!" yelled Squee.

"Squee!" scolded Nisson Jr. "The man is dying of thirst. It is my duty as a human being to help him."

"At least make him give us something!" said Squee

"I'd be happy ta' anser any questions ya mite have, given how your new to tha wasted and all" sed the black guy "If only my trough wasn't so parched."

"See?" said Nisson Jr. "He's giving us information for water."

"That's not enough!" yelled Squee "I want…" And then he eyeballed the man for a moment, before deciding on which of the man's personal items could possibly be worth the invaluable, life-sustaining water. Finally, Squee made his decision. "….Your Bandana!"

"Wat?" asked the blak guy.

"Your bandana." Said Squee "I think it's cute and I want it. Loser Boy will give you the water for your bandana."

"….and the information." Clarified Loser Boy.

The black guy blinked, dumdfounded by such an odd request. "OK…." Said "gimmie the wata."

And so they did, and he dranked it all down in one gulp.

"Yo, thanks, m8. I feel gooder alredy." Sed the blak guy wit a smile "So waddid you wanna know?"

"Are there any towns around? You mentioned something about selling your metal for caps, what are caps? Are they bullets? What do you generally eat? How do you survive the radiation?" asked Nisson jr.

Squee yawned. All of those questions fell into the category of stuff Squee did not give a shit about. Instead he tried on the bandana he had just suckered out of some poor wastelander. He tried putting it on the way he was supposed to, but found it was a bit big for his adorable little face. He instead decided to turn it into a kick-awesome cape, that flowed behind him with the regality he deserfed. "Man, I'm gonna get so many bitches with this thing." Thought Squee.

"….and thas' how I survived being force-fed my own intestines." Squee heard the black guy finish. Nisson Jr. had a disturbed look on his face as he slupped up the noodles from a can of 'offical valt-tek noodels n' a can' that he had packed.

"Here you take these." Said Nisson Jr. to the blak guy. "I don't think I can finish them."

"We'll thanky, mister" said the blak guy, as he took da noodles "OMFG! Were da hell are mi mannorz, I 4got 2 give U mi nayme. I'm Del. But my friends used to call me big D, or at least….they did b4 da raidas got em."

"I'm sorry" said Neeson Jr.

"well, dems are da brakes out here kid" said Del "my advice, don't get to attached to anyone…" and then he glanced at Squee admiing his new bandana "….or anyting." He finished.

"that's all very nice." Said Squee "But I gotta question now. Have you seen this loser's father. Looks just like him, only older, with a beard and not as gay-looking."

Del shook his head. "Sorry man, I aint seen nobody 4 da lass tree' dayz."

"Darn." Said Squee

"So um, out of curiosity. Who are the raiders?" asked nisson Jr.

"They just about da meenist mudafawkas you gonna come cross outta here in da wastes, Know wat im saying?" sed Del

"What do they do?" asked Squee

"Let's jus say, that raiders'll fuk you up, and then fuk you up. If you catch my drift." Sed del "Why do you ask?"

Nisson Jr. pointed at a half dozen people walking toward them. Between the amount of exposed skin, black leather, and car parts; each of them would fit right in at an S&M club or an auto repair store. Then one of them pointed at our protagonists.

"Oh shiyit!" said Del, as he unloaded his guns in the direction vaguely towards the raiders. By some miracle he actually managed to take one out. The raiders retaliated by firing their guns at a direction vaguely towards our protanists. But they didn't hit nothing, because their aim was worse than that of a drunk stormtrooper in a tornado.

"Ah! What do we do?" panicked Nisson Jr.

"Kick Ass!" yelled Squee.

"Nawt yet!" yelled Del "In2 da gas station! My SMG's will be more effective in der."

The trio ran towards the gas station, when suddenly Nisson Jr. Cried out "I'M HIT!"

"Keep runnin, Bitch!" yelled Del.

They stumbled through the gas station doors. The glass windows shattered as the raiders filled the building with bullits.

"Get 2 da baffroom, foo's" ordered Del, as he pushed Nisson Jr.

Del Slammed da door to the bathroom behind him and locked it for the first time in his life.

Del then turned to Nisson Jr. "Why you cryin', mahyun?"

"I've been shot!" wailed Nisson Jr. like a baby with a loaded diaper "OMGOMGOMG! I'm going to die!"

Del rolled his eyes "Ah aint got time 4 you. I gota fite off da reiders."

Nisson Jr. turned to Squee "How is it?" he asked.

Squee casualy glanced at Nisson Jr's wound "Oooooh, it looks pretty bad." He said.

"Really?" asked Nisson Jr. "It feels pretty bad."

"Yeah" said Squee "I'm no docter, but it looks like you might lose your right arm."

"Really?!" gasped Nisson Jr.

"Mhmm." Said Squee as-a-matter-of-factly "And maybe your left arm too."

"REALLY?!" panicked Nisson Jr. "Come to think of it. My left arm hurts pretty bad to!"

"…and the blood flow to your head looks pretty bad too" said Squee "We might just have to amputate that t…."

"It's a BB, bitch!" snarled Del "Now get off your bitch-ass and getchyoself a gun!"

Nisson Jr. looked at the BB impact on the bathroom's tarnished mirror. The BB had failed to even peirce his tunnel snake jacket's hide. Instead, it simply destroyed the embroidery on the "E" in snakes, Leaving the faux leather jacket saying tunnel snak#s.

"Oh" said Nisson Jr. "It felt worse than it was."

"UH-huh" Said Squee mockingly "That or your just a pansy."

Nisson Jr. snorted. "Hey, you've never been shot. You can talk smack when you know how it feels."

"Speaking from experience" Said Del "You is a Pansy-ass Bitch!"

"Gee, Thanks…" said Nisson Jr. "What are you doing?"

"I'm changing tha ammo in mi gunz, imma gonna needta take out deez fool's quicky, so I'm switching to mah specialy modified clips that shoot energy beams." Del Saw the confused look on Nisson Jr's stupid face, so he clarified for his bitch-ass "Imma converting my 10MM Submachine guns into a 100Killowat Submachine Energy Gun."

"They in der!" yelled 1 of da raider outside the baffroom.

"Get ready…" said Del raising his guns.

Nisson Jr. pulled out his gun, Squee pulled out Stabby and McGee.

The raiders kicked open the baffroom door. "Eat this you m….." yelled Del before the sound of his twin SMEG's drowned out his ebonic voice.

The raiders coudnt belive wat dey saw. Del's SMEG's were spraying everywere. The raiders couldn't handle it and almost all of them to dust, unfortunately for our protagonists one of them was the boss character for the raiders. The guy with the BB gun, it was…..Ralphie!

Del's SMEG's clicked as they shot their last rounds, leaving Del staring into the single eye of one of the most badass raiders in the wasteland. "Ralphie…." Said Del

"Well, well, well, if it isn't ol' Del." Said Ralphie casually "You guys remember Del donchu?" he asked his remaining raiders.

"He shot my leg off!" said a raider in a wheelchair.

"AJDGEBLAGHLLL" went the other, who had no tung cuz Del had shooted it off in the backstory.

"And he took my eye" Said Ralphie Raising his eyepatch menicligly "You got balls trying to scavenge in our turf after watchu did to me!"

"New guy, cap him!" yelled Del

Nisson Jr. Slipped into his Pipboy 3000™ V.A.T.S. System and aimed carefully, he then fired three warning shots into the air. "Don't come any closer" he warned "or you'll really get it…"

"Oh please..." said Ralphie "This is who you put on your crew? He's pathetic!"

"He really is." Said Squee

"Well what do we have here?" asked Ralphie "A talking rat?"

"I'm a ferret, you inbred troglodyte" Squee corrected politely "And I'll have you know that Del here is my black guy that means you can't have him unless I say so."

"Izzat so?" asked Ralphie.

"Mhmm" said Squee

"Sounds good to me" Ralphie Shrugged. "Kill em' all boys!"


	6. Chapter 6: Raiders and Radiation

**Chapter 6: Raiders and Radiation**

The raider with no tung charged Nisson Jr.

"I don't want to hurt y…OW! MY NOSE!" Went Nisson Jr. As the raider delivered as fist full of kick-ass into Nisson Jr's extremely punchable face.

The raider with the missing leg sat in his wheelchair and gave moral support.

Squee ran towards Ralphie and sliced his leg with McGee.

"Gah!" Yelled Ralphie "Take this you mutant shrew!" and he kicked Squee across the room.

Del got up and threw a punch at Ralphie, but he dodged it. Then Ralphie fired a shot from his BB gun into Del's shoulder, with a deafening 'thwip'. It didn't even scratch the leather.

"Ha" Laughed Del "Is that all you g…" Then Ralphie fired another shot from his BB gun directly into Del's eye.

The words 'CRITICAL HIT!' appeared above Del's Head as his body exploded into a trillion pieces. Every extremity of his body flew off in a different direction. Yes, all of them, even that one.

Squee looked up in anger "Oh no, you didn't!" Growled Squee in fury "You can get my species wrong, Beat up Loser Boy, and kick me across the room…But no one kills my black guy and gets away with it!"

"Do you ever shut up?" yelled Ralphie as he fired his BB gun at Squee. But none of them hit, because Squee was too small and too fast and too furious. He jumped on top of the sink, then the hand dryers and finally onto the condom dispenser near the door.

"Hold still!" yelled Ralphie as his BB gun 'thwiped' its last BB at the ferocious ferret.

Squee jumped from the machine towards Ralphie's fragile little neck. He wracked his mind for the best possible one-liner he could think of, right before he landed, Squee came up with the one-liner to end them all "NO YOU!" He shouted, and then he plunged Stabby right into Ralphie's spine.

Ralphie fell face down of the unmapped bathroom floor. Most people cannot survive being stabbed in the back of the neck, but then again Ralphie did describe himself as a badass. So Squee stabbed his backside an additional 52 times, just to be safe.

From the bathroom stall, Squee heard the splashing of water. The raider with no tongue was giving Nisson Jr. a swirly. It was like high school all over again, only the bathroom somehow managed to be even less clean than the ones in the valt.

Squee had to save Loser Boy, after all, who would carry his stuff if he died? "Hey! Mumbles!" Yelled Squee. The toungless raider stepped out of the stall, giving Loser Boy a chance to gasp for air.

"WHRIGISIT?" went the raider, only to stop short in shock and the sight of the knife-wielding ferret covered from head to tail in his boss's blood, viscera, spinal fluid, and other nasty juices that kept the recently deceased mouth-breather ticking.

"I think I may have messed up this guy's back." Said Squee "You wouldn't happen to know chiropracticy would you?"

"HKLOYFIKBINGSHIE!" went the raider, he ran past Squee for the exit, grabbing the wheelchair bound raider as he fled. "Like, let's GTFO" yelled Wheelchair Man.

"Yeah, bitches!" yelled Squee "and don't come back, there's more where that came from!"

Squee walked into the bathroom stall, Loser Boy was franticly wiping the centuries old toilet water of his face. His Pip-Boy 3000™ was making these weird clicking noises, maybe it was broken; hopefully Loser Boy could fix it.

Nisson Jr. pulled out a pill bottle and popped down a pair of red and white pills.

"Oh! Are we doing drugs to celebrate our victory?" asked Squee "Can I get some of that?"

"I'm irradiated, you fool!" snapped Nisson Jr. "This is Rad-X!"

"Don't snap at me!" yelled Squee "I just saved your bitch-ass!"

Then there was a long awkward silence, similar to the breakup scene in every other romance movie.

Finally, Loser Boy spoke "Your right, I'm sorry…" He really was a bitch-ass, but Squee couldn't stay mad at him. He needed him to carry his stuff.

"It's k." said Squee as he hopped up to the bathroom sink.

"After all…" said Nisson Jr. "We will need to stick together if we're going to survive out here."

"Eyup." Said Squee as he removed his jumpsuit and turned on the sink.

"…and if we're going to survive out here we need to be aware of the perils we could encounter along the way. That's why I packed some rad-away for a situation like this." Nisson Jr. said from the bathroom stall as he slupped down his Rad-away™.

"Yeah." Said Squee as he stepped into the sink, and started to wash the liquid human of his adorable little face. "Radiation poison is no joke."

"What are you doing?" asked Nisson Jr. like a paranoid mother "What's that noise?"

"I'm just taking a lil' bath, to get the blood off of me" Squee said casually, and then he opened his mouth and started to lap up the water as it poured from the spigot.

And then Loser Boy freaked the frig out "Squee! What are you doing?!"

"I told you" repeated Squee "I'm taking a …..Hey!" Loser Boy pulled him out of the sink and turned the water off.

"WTF R U DOING?!" yelled Squee irately, like a toddler who had just been told he couldn't have a cookie and started screamin' and cryin' in front of everyone (BTW I rote this part in a coffee shop)

"Squee! That water is radioactive!" said Nisson Jr.

"Oh…" said Squee "well how was I supposed to know that? And what is radiation anyway?"

"Radiation is caused by isotopes that change their chemical identity and shed off fast-moving subatomic particles. These are harmful to organic creatures because it focuses a large amount of high-velocity energy on such a subatomic area, which can damage the macromolecules within your body's cells." (Did I mention I'm taking a science class?)

Squee blinked. "You want to say that again in English?" he asked.

"Ah, come on!" Said Loser Boy "That was the dumbed-down version"

"Well then speak to me like I'm a five-year-old." said Squee.

"You are five years old…" said Loser Boy.

"Give me the normal talk!" yelled Squee

"Ok. Fine" said Loser Boy "Um…basically the water is full of mean little bugs that makes your body go 'owie' and if your body goes 'owie' too much you go boom!" said Nisson Jr. as condescendingly as possible.

"Wait!" said Squee "How did little particles messing around with my cells turn me from an ordinary ferret to the paragon of insight I am today."

"Um…" thought Nisson Jr.

"And what about all the horror stories we used to hear in the valt about the mutants that roamed the surface, wouldn't radiation make a creature weaker not stronger?"

"Well….Science cant account for everything." Said Loser Boy like a politician who had just been caught lying.

"Yeah right." Said Squee "You have no idea how radiation works, do you?"

"I know more than you…" mumbled Loser Boy

"Really?" asked Squee with glee "Because it seems to me that radiation does whatever it wants to, as if it's only use is to create weird creatures such as myself."

"That's not true" Said Loser Boy "There was the great leak of 2117, which gave a pair of technicians and a security officer cancer from exposure to radiation, its In 101's medical history."

"Well then radiation's properties are controlled by an omnipresent being that makes it do whatever it needs to" Explained Squee.

"So you believe in God?" asked Nisson jr.

"I guess…" said Squee "God has a weird sense of humor."

"Well anyway take one of these" Said Loser Boy as he handed Squee one of the red and white sugar pills.

"Thanks…" said Squee all emo like

"No problem" said Nisson Jr. "Let's hope you don't suffer any side effects from your exposure to radiation."


End file.
